How Adopting is Like Becoming a Dad

I currently have a friend going through the newborn adoption process in a situation similar to ours, so all the feelings and emotions related to adoption are running pretty high with me right now.  One thing I've joked about throughout the years related to adopting is that as an adoptive mom, during and right after the pregnancy you sometimes feel more like a dad must feel.  It's kind of hard to explain to someone who hasn't been through it, so I did my best to quickly come up with a list of reasons I feel this way.  For the sake of this post, I'll be using 'he' because that was my experience. 

~ Someone else carries your little person around for nine months.  In your heart you know you already love him even though you can't allow yourself to say it (because what if something falls through... even though in reality, even if birth mom chooses to parent, that baby will always hold a special place in your heart and prayers).

~ You might or might not get to go to OB appointments and/or ultrasounds.

~ If you're lucky, you might get to place your hand on that person's belly and feel this little guy move. 

~ Your friends that are all pregnant during the time you are "paperwork pregnant" (there's an adoption term for ya) have baby showers, but you don't because you either a.) have a hard time allowing that to happen for you or b.) people don't know you're in the adoption process.

~ During delivery, you feel totally and completely helpless as you watch birth mom go through labor knowing there is nothing you can do to help. 

~ Depending on the situation, you might get to be the person to cut the umbilical cord. 

~ You might miss your child's birth all together (*raising hand*).

~ Following delivery, all questions regarding baby's care are directed to birth mom leaving you on the sidelines (even if she has repeatedly told them to go ask you, but maybe that was just the hospital we were at) . 

~ At the hospital, you sleep on the uncomfortable pull out couch part of the time (at least I did since whoever was on baby duty at the moment got the good bed, this threw a few nurses off).

~ You wear normal clothes during your entire hospital stay (if you are lucky enough for the hospital to have an open room for you to stay in) and are free to come and go as you please.

~ When they place that little guy in your arms for the first time, you know without a doubt that he is what has been missing from your life and you will love him forever no matter what.

I laugh when I look at this picture, because it is classic adoptive family first picture (both parents in street clothes, standing in front of a bland colored hospital wall, mom's hair is somewhat fixed, baby is at least a couple of hours old).

I'm sure I left some stuff out, so let's hear it adoptive moms.  How do you think adopting is like becoming a dad?

Joseph's Story

In honor of the second anniversary of Joseph's Gotcha Day, I felt it was time I documented his story on the ol blog here.  Just so you know, I will be leaving out some details out of respect for Joseph's birth mom (who I will refer to as Miss T).

First, a little background
As you probably know, we originally thought we would be adopting through DHS.  We had completed all the classes and paperwork and were just in the waiting period.  We were told it wouldn't take long since we were "perfect candidates" (I had an early childhood background but would be a stay-at-home mom, Sam had a steady job, we didn't have children in our house already, we weren't specific about ethnicity or gender, etc.).  After months, I was tired of living my life waiting for a phone call.  I did some research and talked with some adoptive mommas I knew and decided to request a packet from Deaconess since I heard they were actually in need of adoptive families at the time.  I didn't really talk to Sam about this decision before I requested the packet, but I knew he was getting tired of waiting too.  We received this packet mid-January 2012.  Throughout this entire process, we were letting people (friends, doctors, etc.) know we were interested in adopting in case they heard of any opportunities for us. 

Mid-Late January 2012
We received a phone call that would change our lives!  Through a friend of a friend, my dad found out about a birth mom considering putting her unborn child (a boy!) up for adoption.  Some research was completed to find the top adoption lawyers in Lawton (where the baby was to be born), and we were happy to learn we actually knew one at the top of the list.  We arranged a dinner meeting with birth mom and scheduled an appointment with the lawyer for the same day.  A couple of days before the scheduled meeting day, our lawyer's secretary called because she was going to have to be in court during our scheduled meeting.  We changed our lawyer appointment, but kept the dinner with birth mom on the original day because we didn't want her to think we were flaky.  We were willing to drive the two and a half hours one way to Lawton as many times as it took to make this happen.

We met with Miss T at a restaurant in Lawton on a Monday night.  We met Miss T's two older children and her mom that night too.  By the end of dinner, she had begun referring to the baby as "your baby."  As we were leaving, the baby started moving and she put my hand on her stomach to feel it.  The baby's due date was May 26, the day after my last day of school for the year.

January 31, 2012
On our way home from yet another lawyer appointment, we stopped to eat dinner.  While there, I happened to check my email on my phone.  Miss T had sent us ultrasound pictures!  I immediately opened them and fell in love with this little boy!  For days, I would just open the pictures and look at them.  I knew in my head that I shouldn't let myself get attached yet, that there were still a lot of things that could happen, but in my heart I loved him. (Sorry, Sis.  I know you don't do ultrasound pictures, but it had to happen.)

February-April 2012
These three months were spent making sure everything was just right with the lawyer and texting with Miss T.  Thankfully, the judge who handles most adoptions in Lawton agreed to accept our home study from DHS, so we didn't have to complete another one.  Although we offered to hire a separate lawyer for Miss T, she said she would just use ours because she trusted us and didn't want the adoption to cost us any more than it had to.  Miss T offered to meet us for a 3D ultrasound if we wanted to do one since she wouldn't have any more ultrasounds during the pregnancy.  As much as we appreciated this offer, we declined instead opting to be surprised when he got here.  She also told us she was leaving the naming of the baby entirely up to us.  We had a name in mind, but were hesitant to say it at the time.

We worked on contacting birth dad in an effort to have him sign the paperwork to terminate his rights. 

Beginning of May 2012
Miss T moved to Texas.  We were super shocked when she called and told us and immediately called our lawyer to see what we needed to do.  Our lawyer said that if at all possible, she needed to have the baby in Oklahoma because it would require tons of extra paperwork (and time) to transfer rights across the state lines.  When we told her this, Miss T offered to drive to Durant, the closest Oklahoma hospital, to have the baby.  Our lawyer found a lawyer in Durant to help with paperwork at their county courthouse when the time came.

May 9, 2012
Sam hurt his finger pretty severely, so we were at an urgent care clinic getting it checked out when I received a phone call from Miss T.  She said she thought she was in labor and we should head to Durant before too long.  I left Sam at the clinic and ran home to pack real quick.  As I was driving home and then back to get Sam, I called my co-teacher and director to let them know that I probably wouldn't be coming into work the next day.  Luckily, I had already completed all of the paperwork for the fairly easy end of the year parent-teacher conference I was supposed to lead the next day and my co-teacher was awesome and covered for me.  As soon as they finished with Sam, we headed to Durant.  The drive seemed to take forever, mostly because we had never driven to Durant, so we really didn't have any landmarks to go by letting us know how much further we had.  On the way down, I kept saying, "We don't even have a car seat!"  Sam assured me he would go buy a car seat so we could take the baby home.  We arrived at the hospital fairly late in the evening and were escorted into Miss T's room.  Miss T's boyfriend left to go take care of her other children sometime after we got there.  They told us they thought it was a false alarm, but they wanted to keep her a little longer to be sure.  This was the first time I heard Joseph's heartbeat. 

May 10, 2012
Around 2 am, they discharged Miss T.  Since she didn't have a car or anybody to take her home, we offered to get her a hotel room for the night and take her home the next morning.  All night, I worried that we would get in trouble from the State for paying for her hotel room since you can't pay for anything for birth parents that isn't pre-approved (it's viewed as buying the baby).  I talked with our lawyer first thing the next morning and she assured me it would be ok. 

We drove Miss T home mid-morning.  It was actually nice to have some time to talk, just us and her.  We talked about everything from music to disciplining children.  We were able to tell her a little more of our story and she told us it felt good to help provide us with an opportunity to be parents.

After we dropped Miss T off, we went to Target and bought everything we needed to bring a baby home from the hospital.  Since my sister had had a baby two months prior, I asked her what you absolutely have to have for the first two months and she supplied me a list.  This day is when it started to feel real. 

We arrived back in Stillwater shortly after school had dismissed for the day.  Even though most of the children had gone home, we went up there anyway since some of my co-teachers and parents had decided we needed a baby shower (they had told me about it the previous week).  Since we weren't registered anywhere, they all brought newborn necessities or some of their favorite baby items.  It was awesome to get items I never would have thought of!  I have since gifted similar items to expecting friends. 

May 17, 2012
I stayed up late working on student assessment portfolios.  I told Sam I was staying up until they were finished so I could take them to school on Friday in case Joseph was born over the weekend.  I finally finished and went to bed around 12:30 am.

May 18, 2012
Around 1:30  am, my cell phone rang.  It was birth mom telling me we needed to head to Lawton because she was in labor.  I hung up and woke Sam up.  It then dawned on me that she said Lawton, not Durant.  Not wanting to drive to the wrong place, I called her back and found out that she had been in Wichita Falls for a little getaway, so she was headed to Lawton to have the baby.  We quickly threw our things in a bag.  I had finally washed some of the baby clothes and blankets and the car seat was installed, so we were ready to go in no time.  On our way, I emailed both my co-teacher and director to let them know that, once again, I wouldn't be at school the next morning (and asked my director to stop by my house and pick up my student files on her way to work the next morning).

At 2:40 am, my cell phone rang again.  It was birth mom.  She simply said (over his crying in the background), "Courtney, you have a baby boy."  Talk about turning on the floodworks.  Soon after, she texted me a picture of our little guy (that I am heartbroken to say I can't find anywhere).  I gazed at that picture the rest of the way down. 

Around 4:15 am, we arrived at Comanche County Memorial Hospital (which just happens to be the hospital I was born at too).  We entered through the emergency room (as you do when you arrive at a hospital in the middle of the night) and made our way up to labor and delivery.  On our way to the front desk, we passed the nursery.  There was one baby in the nursery laying under the heat light.  Sam said, "I think that's him.  That's our boy."  I told him there was a possibility he was in the room with Miss T so he shouldn't get his hopes up.

We went to the front desk and asked for Miss T's room.  When we got to her room, we realized that Joseph wasn't in there with him.  We talked with Miss T and her mom for a few minutes before a nurse walked in and asked if we were the adoptive parents.  We said yes and she gave me a hospital bracelet to match his (Sam didn't get one because they are only allowed to assign two per baby and Miss T had the other one).  We then went to the nursery and marveled at this precious little miracle.

Before too long, they assigned us a room (Since the recovery wing wasn't full, they offered us (well, Joseph) a room free of charge.  Had they been busier, we would have had to stay somewhere else and leave Joseph there.) 

Sam was afraid that he might have poison ivy on his hands, so he wore gloves the first time he held Joseph.  When he learned it was ok to take the gloves off, he did.

 

The next couple of days are a blur of paperwork, visitors, and very little sleep.  At one point I realized that I had only had one and a half hours of sleep in a 48+ hour period.  I was going off of pure adrenaline.

A few times, nurses would come in and be caught off guard by the fact that Sam was in the bed instead of me.  Our rule was whoever was in charge of Joseph got the good bed with the view of the TV.

Joseph had some tummy issues, and wanted to be held all the time.  We were happy to do this for him as were our visitors.

We even walked down the hall to visit Miss T a few times who was also happy to hold him.  At one point, Joseph made a dirty diaper while Miss T was holding him.  I immediately offered to change it, but she laughed as she began changing it and said, "I'll do it, just put it in his baby book." (we had been taking lots of pictures including some of her with him and she knew we were trying to document everything).

We were so happy to finally have a child yet fully aware of how quickly things could change. 

May 20, 2012
Joseph was discharged from the hospital mid-afternoon.  We went to my dad's house (he happens to live in Lawton) to stay the night since Miss T had a court date to assign us temporary custody the next morning and we technically weren't supposed to leave the county with him yet. 

May 21, 2012
Even though we didn't have to, Sam and I went to Miss T's court date to show our support for her (Joseph stayed at my dad's house with my grandma).  We didn't go inside with her, instead waiting in the hall.  As she walked out, she looked at us and said (with tears in her eyes), "Congratulations, he's yours."  We went to Dad's house, loaded our stuff, and headed home with our baby.  You can read about his homecoming here.

June 25, 2012 - Gotcha Day
We went back to Lawton for our final court date.  You can read my post about Joseph's Gotcha Day here.  On this day, we heard one of the best phrases in the English language "final decree of adoption."

Gotcha Day

What, you might be wondering, is gotcha day?  Well, in the adoptive family world, it's the day the adoption becomes final or the day we officially gotcha!  Gotcha day tends to mean more to families that adopt older children (or at least families that don't have custody of the child from birth), but it still means a lot to us and I hope we are able to celebrate it in the future with a family outing such as a zoo trip or a fun dinner.

The best way to describe the days leading up to gotcha day is that it was a sunny day where we were, but their was a dark cloud looming on the horizon that could cause a storm at any minute.  The moment the judge signed our final decree of adoption, the clouds disappeared and the sun shone a little brighter than before.  Even though she hadn't given us any reason to believe she would, I had a fear that we would arrive at our final court date only to find out that birth mom had changed her mind.  Luckily, that didn't happen and we can breathe a little easier now knowing that Joseph is officially a Parks.

Since our court date was at 9:00 a.m. in Lawton (three hours from Stillwater), we decided to stay the night before at my dad's house rather than leaving the house super early with a one month old baby.  I didn't do the best job documenting the day with pictures, but here's a quick recap of one of my top five best days ever.

Our first officially a Parks family photo (Sam had already changed out of his court clothes into much more comfortable driving home clothes).

While we were at my dad's house, Joseph got to ride in a tractor (actually, it was a swather) for the first time (does it count if he slept through the whole ride?). 

On our drive home, we decided to take our time and enjoy the first completely care free day we have had in a while.  Since Sam had never tried a Meer's burger, we thought that would be a fun place to eat lunch.  When we got to the Wichita Mountains, it was still a little too early for lunch and Joseph was starting to get hungry, so we stopped at Medicine Park to enjoy the scenery and give Joseph a bottle.  While we were there, Sam broke out the camera and started taking pictures.

We even sat up the tripod for a couple of family pictures.

After a delicious lunch, we moseyed on up to Oklahoma City where we stopped by the fertility clinic to introduce Joseph to the doctors and nurses that played a major role in our journey to have a family.  Even though they weren't the final step in us having a family, they were still very excited for us.  More than once they told us that their goal is a baby and they are excited however we get that baby.  I really wish I would have thought to take some pictures while we were there.

For an afternoon snack, we felt it appropriate to stop at Wendy's for frosties since Wendy's founder Dave Thomas was adopted thus they are strong supporters of adoption (it doesn't hurt that frosties are good!).

After our frosties, we made a quick stop at the mall to order new glasses for Sam then headed home.  All in all, it was a pretty amazing day!

It's Been a Month Already?!?!

Wow!  I can't believe it's already been a month.  And yet, this has been a long 30 days (tomorrow is the actual 30 day mark!).  We're so glad that Joseph joined our family!  Words can't express the joy and love I feel when I look at him.

He quickly learned Sam and my voices and turns his head to find us when we speak.  He has a strong neck (he's pretty much been lifting his head since birth), and has almost rolled from his back to stomach on multiple occasions (just yesterday, Sam went into the bedroom to check on him and asked me if I had laid him down on his side because that's how he was sleeping. {I really wish he would wait on this milestone!}).  Although he isn't "cooing," he is making noises that aren't crying :).  Joseph no longer hates baths, but I wouldn't say he loves them either.  So far, he has a few nicknames including Joe, Lil Joe, Broseph, and Trey (because he's the third "Joe"), but I still prefer to call him Joseph. 

Joseph - 1 Month

This first month has surfaced some emotions I wasn't expecting.  I think the toughest time was when I realized that if Aubrey were living, Joseph wouldn't be in our lives.  We've always wanted to adopt (we thought it would be great to have two biological then two adopted), but it hit me that Aubrey would just now be turning two and, if she were here, we would be trying for baby number two, not knowing that adoption was our next step. It's hard to wish for one child over the other; thankfully, we don't have to choose between the two because God made that choice for us.  For now, we will be content raising Joseph knowing that our family will be whole again someday.

The Path We're Taking

As many of you know, yesterday was our final appointment at the fertility clinic.  (Well, it was supposed to be... they forgot to tell me that they needed fasting bloodwork since I'm finished with the study.  I'll go back for that Friday.)  The results were as we expected (negative) and I'm happy to say that we're both pretty ok with where we are in life right now.  Yes, it's a little sad to think that I will never be pregnant again (I know some of you are saying, "Don't say never," but we're trying to be realistic and know that there is a 99% chance it won't happen).  At the same time, I'm excited for the next step in our journey.  I'm eager to put all of our focus into adopting a couple (or few ;) kids without having to worry about if we might be pregnant and how that will effect everything.  I'm ready for whatever God has in store. 

One Way or the Other

Last week, we completed our final treatment as part of the fertility research study.  We won't know if it worked until next week and I'm a little anxious to find out.  I'm not anxious because I want a certain result, I'm just ready to be finished with all of this.  Fertility treatments are emotionally and physically trying and I'm ready to not worry about it anymore.  I'm ready to know if we are taking path A or B to parenthood instead of straddling the "y" in the road.  I feel like the last couple of months we have been moving forward with a foot on each path, stretching our legs farther and farther apart, wobbling as we begin to lose our balance in a split like state as we try everything possible to become parents.  Although it might not happen right away, we could potentially get "the call" from DHS any day.  I'm ready to know that we are either pregnant or not going to get pregnant as that will effect how many children we are willing to accept.

I'm not saying that we will never be back at the clinic.  In fact, if the DHS adoption doesn't move quick enough for us we are considering going back for embryo adoption (our clinic just started an in house program, they are just waiting for embryo donations).  I'm just ready to be finished for a while (pretty much, the only time that we haven't been going to the clinic in the last 2 1/2 years was part of my pregnancy with Aubrey).

I have one request, please continue to pray for us.  Pray that we are at peace with whatever result we get Wednesday.  Pray that our family grows sooner rather than later.  Pray that God guides our decisions on this journey to parenthood.

Patience

A question that I get often is, "Have you heard anything about the kids?"  I normally answer by telling whoever asked that we are still in the middle of the fertility study and will be represented on September 13th at the state adoption staffing for the first time.  They often respond with something along the lines of, "You are so patient." "Keep me updated." or "I'll pray for you."  Well, I'm here to tell you that I'm not a patient person by nature.  In elementary school, my mom had to take me to the doctor because my stomach was constantly upset.  Turns out, I worry too much.  I stress about things like being late, doing my best, and hurting others. 

When we were doing the first set of fertility treatments (the ones that resulted in Aubrey), I joked that God was teaching me a lesson in patience.  When we finally got pregnant, I thought, "Man, I'm glad that lesson is over."  I wasn't that person who was ready to "just have this baby already,"  I cherished every moment.  Don't get me wrong, I was ready to meet her, I just wanted it to be when she was good and ready.  My husband was telling me just the other night what a trooper I was when I was pregnant (there were times when I would "use" the bathroom at a friend's house or restaurant and he wouldn't even know until we were leaving because I would come out laughing and talking like nothing happened, I even carried a little bottle of mouthwash with me). 

Now I realize that my first lesson in patience was just that, the FIRST lesson.  Anyone who knew me before I had Aubrey knows that I'm a different person now.  I'm much more laid back and don't worry about near as much as I used to.  I still worry about some things, just not little stuff like a perfectly straight and square bulletin board (yeah, I used to stress BIG time about that).  One part of my personality that hasn't changed is my desire to make the best of any situation, I figure you can either laugh or cry so I choose to laugh.  

I'm not sure what God's trying to teach me now, but I'm doing my best to meet his expectations.  Until I know what it is, I'll keep waiting.  Waiting to find out if the latest fertility treatment worked.  Waiting to start the next fertility treatment.  Waiting to get "the call" from DHS.  Waiting to see my first born again in Heaven (I'm in no rush for this one, it's just something I look forward to). 

Decisions, Decisions

Some days we're faced with decisions to make.  Sometimes they're easy, sometimes they don't really matter, and sometimes they're difficult.  Today I had an opportunity present itself that I know will never be available again.  My initial reaction was, "Wow, this is awesome!" (well, my real initial reaction was, "Am I qualified for this?"), followed by, "Can I do this?"  I texted Sam to ask his opinion and he quickly called me back with the same thoughts I was having.  Without going into too much detail, the opportunity would have required my attention for the next seven Friday mornings.  The big problem with this is that I don't know when my fertility treatments will be.  I even called our fertility clinic to ask about afternoon appointments (they said blood work has to be in by 9 a.m. to get results that day).  We could manipulate my cycle to where I never have appointments on Fridays, but in reality, these are our final two and a half months of treatment and Sam and I have made an agreement that we are both giving it 100%, whatever it takes.  Ultimately, I turned down the opportunity,  I was afraid that if we don't get pregnant during the next few months I would always wish I had given it my all.  We shall see...

Oh, and as far as the adoption goes, we didn't make the August meeting cut-off.  Our caseworker called yesterday and told me that she had just received the final copies of all of our paperwork and our case is now open so we will be represented at the September 13th meeting!  Please continue to pray that our family grows sooner rather than later. 

What Was I Thinking! - Fabric For the Kids' Room

As you already know, we have requested two kids from DHS.  Since they will both be four or less, we will be placing them in a room together for a while regardless of gender.  Because of this, I have been racking my brain trying to decide how to decorate their room that is gender neutral but not baby-ish.  For a while now, I've been wanting to use teal and red as the primary colors and accent in navy or pink accordingly. 

Cute, right?

I've been having a hard time convincing Sam that this is a good color scheme. I'm not sure why he's so against it, but he is (sometimes I wish I had one of those husbands who doesn't care about how the house is decorated; in the end, I'm glad he does).  I decided that he needed to see the colors together to truly appreciate the combo.  Fast forward to the other day when we were driving through down town Tulsa.  I saw a lady wearing a teal shirt with red shorts and immediately pointed her out to Sam.  His response was, "Courtney, look at that lady.  What makes you think that a homeless person is a good example of color choices?"  He was right, it was a homeless person carrying a ton of bags (at least her clothes, cutely matched as they were, were clean).  I decided to let Sam win this one and set out on a mission to choose a new, better color scheme for the kids' room.  So, what did I pick?  We reached an agreement on orange and blue!  I'm so excited to start collecting fabric in these colors in preparation for their room!  Now, if I just knew what size bedding I need to make...

We're not planning on going with a whale theme (although it is cute), I just wanted to show you the colors together.   Sam, you already agreed so no backing out now :)

The Joy That is Infertility Treatment

I have a few hours to waste today, so I thought I'd take advantage of this time and update everyone on our family expansion process.  Currently, I'm sitting in McDonald's in downtown Oklahoma City waiting for 11:30 to get here so I can go back to the fertility clinic to get inseminated (sorry if that's more info than you want (if it is, you might want to stop reading now)).  We got here at 8:00 this morning for Sam to do his part, he has since left to go back to work because he's really busy right now.  So here I am, killing 3 hours in OKC by myself (too bad none of the stores are open yet).

I'm nervous today.  I don't know why since I've had this procedure completed on my no less than six times (and to be honest, it hurts less than a pap smear), but I am.  I think I'm nervous because this is round 1 of 4.  The four final chances for us to have more biological children.  Also, Sam had his wisdom teeth removed Friday and I'm a little concerned about how his medicine and diet since then might influence his count. 

On the plus side, there are a few positives in completing fertility treatments in the summer as opposed to winter.  One is that I wear slip on shoes with no socks daily, this decreases the time spent undressing in preparation for the exam and redressing afterwards.  Another is that I have been wearing short sleeve shirts which helps in drawing blood.  These things are helpful because as part of the study I have driven to OKC five times in the last three weeks, during each visit they complete an exam and draw blood (most of these visits are at 7:30 am so I can make it to work without being too late). 

On the adoption front, unless something crazy happens, our file will be ready for the August meeting (each month Oklahoma DHS hosts a meeting during which they try to match children available for adoption with potential parents)! 

I know that God answers prayers in one of three ways - yes, no, or wait.  I pray we finally get a yes in response to our prayer to have a family (I thought we were getting a yes with Aubrey, but I'm not sure what it falls under now).

It's Official, I'm a Lab Rat

Wow, a lot has changed since the last time I wrote on here (which is why I haven't had time to blog lately)!  For starters, we signed our finished home study Tuesday night!!!!  During the final couple of weeks, our contractor was sending me e-mails almost every night, each with multiple questions that she needed me to answer quickly.  For a while, I spent my evenings just responding to her e-mails.  I'm soooo glad to have that finished.  I will turn in our life book this week (because I got busy and never finished it :) and then we are seriously just waiting for our kids.  Our estimated waiting time was 2 months to 2 years, I hope and pray it's closer to the 2 month mark.

Also, we decided to go ahead and participate in the research study at our fertility clinic.  I think the final deciding factor for us was that Sam turned 30 last month.  We realized that, although we always saw fertility treatments as something we could revisit in the future, we're only getting older and with that comes increased pregnancy problems.  The study is testing three different drugs commonly used with IUI treatments in young couples with unexplained infertility.  The good news is, since they are testing to see if they are stair-step drugs or if they are equivalent, there is no placebo group.  The "best" drug they are testing is an injectable.  We didn't get into the injectible group so I am taking pills (it's really odd to carry around a container of pills when you're not sure what's in it and the label just says it could be this or this). 

These pills are seriously huge!  Thankfully I only have to take two a day for five days each month.  (On a side note, judging by the fact that she's sitting (not something Great Danes like to do) and her facial expression, I'm pretty sure Bella thought I had a treat in my hand.)

We aren't getting paid to be in the study, but we are getting four months of free fertility treatments.  All I have to do is keep a daily log checking boxes about stuff I won't write on here, take the meds on the days I'm told to, and visit the clinic eight times each month for ultrasounds and bloodwork (did I mention that our clinic is a one hour drive from our house).  Lucky duck Sam only has to go once a month. 

There are two things I'm hoping to get out of this study.  First,  I hope that through the data that they collect in this project (and with 900 couples participating across the country that's a lot of data) they will be able to help other couples in our situation.  Second, I hope that since they will be testing so many things throughout the month, maybe they will notice a spike in some count some where that would help determine just what our infertility is caused from (although I'm not going to hold my breath for that one).

It's crazy to think that in four months we will either be pregnant again or finished with fertility treatments (unless we change our mind later and decide to do IVF).  Some of you might be reading this and wondering how it will affect our adoption process.  Well, let me tell you (and no, I don't want your opinion on this as it was not a rash decision (sorry to be so blunt, but it seems like everyone wants to tell us how to make our family instead of letting us follow what God has put in our hearts)).  Obviously, if we don't get pregnant in the study we will continue on with the adoption as planned.  If we get pregnant with one child, we will carry on with the adoption as planned.  If we get pregnant with twins (hey, there is always a chance with fertility meds), we will postpone the adoption for a short time (call me crazy, but I really don't want four kids ages four and under all of the sudden).

Please pray with us that our family will grow in the near future.  Have a safe, fun Fourth of July Weekend!

Paperwork Pregnancy - Month 5

Wow, I feel like I haven't blogged (or even turned on the computer) in forever.  I decided to teach this summer and I have to say that I forgot how tired you get when you are chasing kids and dancing around all day.  Every once and a while I miss my easy life of part time reception work, but I'm really happy to be in the classroom again (it sure makes the day go faster).  It's been interesting since my class this summer contains children from three to six years old, seven of which have special needs, talk about a variety of learners. Add to that that four out of the first seven days of school I have only had one of my three assistants (we have been pulling the receptionist to help in my room some) and you have one tired Ms. Courtney!  I'm really not complaining, I just feel like I need to justify why I haven't been around the blog world lately.

OK, OK let's move on to what you came over for... our adoption update.  I'm sad to say their really isn't a lot to report right now.  The classes are finished and I guess our background checks came back since we haven't heard anything about them.  Really all we are waiting on at this point is our home study.  Apparently, the independent contractor working on our study finally started typing it this week because she emailed me some questions and said she's having a hard time reading the notes she took when she came to our house in April (in the e-mail she kept asking about my "miscarriage."  Really lady, do you not remember talking at our house, OR have you not read any of the 25 pages that my husband and I each filled out for you?  I've never had a miscarriage, our daughter was stillborn!).  She has 90 days to complete the home study (our first visit was April 20) and although we had hopes of it not taking that long, it looks like we might be racing the clock to finish in time. 

In other news, guess who had a birthday yesterday!  No, I'm not talking about the flag (yesterday was Flag Day here in America), I'm talking about my husband who turned the big 3-0.  Happy birthday, Sam!  You are an amazing man and I look forward to spending the rest of my life with you!  We didn't do anything big, we just went out to eat, visited Aubrey's grave (Sam's request, he's such a good angel daddy), and rented a movie.  It was actually a fun, relaxing night.

One. More. Class.

That's right, we only have one class left!  We are almost completely finished with our homework (since we did the assignment for each class right after we got home even though it isn't due until the final class... yeah, right).  Also in preparation for Tuesday's class, the brisket we signed up to bring to the potluck is thawing in the fridge.  No lie, when they passed around a sign up sheet I did a quick mental inventory of ready to heat and serve meals in our freezer and let Sam choose one.  Yeah, I'm lazy like that, I didn't even make the brisket, my mother-in-law did (she's the best ever!).  The last class is an easy one that will go something like this:  panel of teenagers in foster care, eat dinner, panel of foster parents, graduation (ok, so they don't call it graduation, but we do get some kind of certificate at the end of class).

Once class is over, all we lack is a lot of waiting.  As far as the home study goes, our contractor has all of the requested information and is typing up the final report.  She might have a few small questions, but we've given her all the major information.  We are also waiting for our fingerprints to come back.  When those two things are complete, I will turn in our life book (which I need to start) and the real waiting game begins.  Wow, it's starting to feel like this might really happen!

Classes 3 & 4 Down and A Much Needed Visit

Wow, these last two weeks have been crazy busy!  Sam has been such a good sport about Tuesdays and Thursdays even though he could easily complain about them.  Here is his schedule on those days:
6:30am - leave for work
7:00am - first meeting of the day
5:10pm - leave work to come home (he never leaves right at 5)
5:40 - arrive at home, quickly change clothes
5:45 - get in car, I drive us to class while Sam eats a sandwich and Baked Lays
6:00 - class starts
9:00 - class is over
The good news is that we are almost half way through with classes (technically 4/9).  Thursday we talked about loss and grief.  My friend Denise, who teaches the class, texted my that morning to warn me, so I told Sam as we were driving there.  His response was, "Did you tell Denise that we've got this one?"  As class was beginning he leaned over and whispered, "I suggest you don't talk tonight because you will cry."  When I laughed at his suggestion he got straight faced and said, "I'm serious."  All in all, the class wasn't bad (it was definitely better than Tuesday's class that dealt with abuse).

On a slightly different note, I took another step in my healing process this week.  I went to the hospital and visited my friend Krystal and her new baby Laken.  I hadn't been to the hospital since last May.  Krystal is a girl (well, she's my age, what do we call people our age, lady, young lady, I don't know) I work with at my current job who has been so sweet and understanding to me.  Although I had already given Krystal a baby gift, I made a hospital gift for Laken for three reasons; (1) I needed a reason that I HAD to go by the hospital so I wouldn't talk myself out of it, (2) a friend made one of these so I was itching to try it, and (3) Krystal and her husband love playing Mario Kart and you just can't find any cute Mario baby clothes.

 

This thing is seriously cute, right!?  I cut a couple of T-shirts apart to make this newborn gown.  Although it isn't my best craftsmanship, I like the look of it.  

After a couple of deep breaths I was able to enter the hospital and go up to the labor and delivery ward.  When I got there I ran into one of the nurses I had while I was in the hospital to deliver Aubrey, I had prepared myself that this might happen so I was able to talk with her without losing it.  She didn't know who I was at first, but kept looking at me like she recognized me.  When I told her that I was there to deliver my daughter last May she started nodding her head and came over and gave me a hug.  We talked for a few minutes then she randomly made a comment about the gift card that we gave her to Rocky Mountain Chocolate Factory and how awesome it was (see Sam, I told you that was a good choice for women).  I finally made it to Krystal's room and talked with them for a little bit before gathering up the courage to hold sweet little, less than a day old, Laken.  My heart was beating heavy before and for the first few minutes I was holding him, but quickly calmed down.  After I held him for a little while, I gave him back to his daddy and left.  This is the part I didn't prepare myself for.  I pushed the elevator button and the emotions began, it just felt like I was leaving the hospital empty handed again.  I went to my car and sat and cried and called Sam who talked me through it and suggested I go home and take a nap (which I did).  Do I regret going to the hospital?  Not at all.  I needed to take this step and feel that Krystal and her family were very kind in taking that step with me (or rather allowing me to take that step with them).  

Two Classes Down and Home Study Progress

Last night was our second Resource Family Class (also referred to as parenting class).  In our class their are about 25 people.  Two other couples are there to adopt (one of which had foster children in the past and now wants to adopt four kids under the age of eight... and people think we're crazy :(), their are also a few couples who are just there to be foster parents, the rest are kinship of some sort meaning they had a relationship with children that went into DHS care (they can be family, teachers, go to the same church, their are many options for kinship) so they already have children in their homes.  The class is a little interesting because it is aimed at kinship and foster parents.  The ultimate goal of a Bridge Resource Family (people taking this class) is to reunite the children with their parents.  If reunification is not possible for whatever reason, that's when couples like us are allowed to adopt the children.  Two classes down, seven more to go.

I have to tell you a sweet story that goes with our Resource Family Class.  The first night, we wrote our name and reason for being in class on the front of our "name tent."  We were then asked to draw a picture of what we are most proud of on the back.  I asked Sam what he was going to draw and he said, "I'm just going to draw an arrow pointing to you."  Sweet, right!  Well, I told him that he's a dork and he needed to actually draw something.  Here's what he came up with:

Yes, Sam is making and "O", I'm making a "S", and Bella is saying "U".  Notice little miss Aubrey up on the right with her halo and wings.  I love it!!!

The first visit with our home study contractor went well.  In fact, we will be finished with the home study in the minimum number of visits since our house already passed due to all the safety features we implemented.  All we lack in relation to the home study is information regarding us, how we were raised, our families, and how we will raise children (we will finish these through e-mail), as well as our physicals and finger prints (which we have scheduled for May 3) and our life book.  Here is the emergency information we posted on the refrigerator:

I might have been a little anal about including any information they might possible need including how to give directions to our house, but I didn't want to leave anything off.

5k (success), Aubrey's Easter Flowers, and Class Starts Tonight

A 5k race is an interesting thing.  In fact, about 1/2 mile in I was convinced that I never wanted to run another one.  It's not the running (to be truthful my pace is more of a jog) that bothers me, it was all the people.  My sweet husband (who ran at my pace even though longer strides are much easier for him) suggested we start towards the back of the group so we could pass people instead of getting passed (you know, to help our mental game).  Well, that's all fine and dandy until you end up behind about 600 people who are going slower than you while they take up the entire road, it's just hard to set your pace when your are in a group of people that tight.  After the first mile or so, people started to spread out making it a much more enjoyable experience.  In the end, I was able to complete the race accomplishing both of my goals, the one I verbalized (to run the entire race) and the one I hoped for (to finish in less than 30 minutes).  Overall it was a great experience and I've already decided to look for another 5k to participate in in a few months.

After the run, Sam and I planted some tulips at Aubrey's grave.  I've been wanting to plant something out there for a while, but couldn't decide what I wanted.  Earlier in the week, when I went shopping, I saw pots of tulips at the store.  I told Sam about them and that I was thinking about getting some for the house, he suggested that we get some to plant for Aubrey instead.  We went back to the store together and he picked out some purple tulips for our little angel which surprised me because he normally picks pink stuff for her.  I love how they look behind her headstone, hopefully they will survive out there.

Tonight and Thursday we have our first and second parenting classes for DHS and tomorrow we have the first visit of our actual home study (with the contracted person, not our caseworker... I know, this whole process confuses me too)!  I'll let you know how it all goes.

Adoption Update, 5k (fingers crossed), and a Clean Garage

We just scheduled the first visit of our home study for next Wednesday, April 20th!!!   I guess that means I need to gather the rest of the documents they requested and complete the papers they left before then.:)  When I called Sam to tell him he said, "Wow, we're getting closer."


 On a different note, I might be crazy but I'm running in my first 5k this weekend! It's funny when you tell people that you are "training" to run a 5k because you always get one of two responses;  there are the runners who are like, "No big deal, that's my warm-up" and the non-runners who are like, "What?  That's a long way to run."  I've been wanting to run a 5k for a while, but haven't been able to because either a.) we were doing fertility treatments, b.) I was pregnant, or c.) we were doing fertility treatments (between the pre-Aubrey and post-Aubrey treatments it feels like we were doing them forever, it's kind of nice to not be worried about that anymore.)  I was letting the dogs run with me until I reached the two mile mark, at that point Sam told me that I needed to quit taking them with me because he didn't want Bella's joints to start hurting her.  As much of a pain as it was sometimes, I miss this view:

 

Notice how hard Rufus is pulling on his leash... and this was after our two mile jog.  What can I say, that boy has energy!

Last weekend, in keeping with our spring cleaning and organizing (and purging), we cleaned out our garage.  I don't have any before pictures because, frankly, it was embarrassing (let's just say we couldn't fit a vehicle in there).  The shed Sam built me has helped greatly as we moved all of the lawn and garden stuff out there.  We still have to organize the back counter and cabinets, but I'm stoked about how the rest of it looks.  I think the part I like best, other than being able to park my car in there, is that our bikes actually have a home on the wall now.  

Troop Send Off and Initial Home Visit

Yesterday I went with Sam and some people from his work to the troop send off.  Their were about 25-30 people from his work where we were standing (when you consider that he works in Perry, which is 30 minutes away from Stillwater, that's pretty good).  I'm thankful that he works for a company that allows it's employees to attend events such as this.  The reason these guys (and a couple of ladies) wanted to come over was partly to thank the people leaving for deployment and partly to support their boss, April, because her husband was on one of the buses.  I know this is selfish, but I'm glad my husband isn't in the armed forces.  I couldn't imagine watching a bus drive by knowing that he was on it and I wouldn't see him again for 400 days.  I am forever grateful to the men and women who make this sacrifice, both those being deployed and the families they leave behind.  Thank you just isn't enough. 

Last night was our initial home visit.  There isn't much to report on it other than we both felt it went well.  The only things she suggested before the home study are to put child locks on cabinets with cleaning supplies, post emergency numbers on the fridge, and draw up our fire evacuation plan (seriously, what kid-less house has those things already in place?  Oh, and thanks, Dad, for all the smoke detectors and fire extinguishers over the years, they came in handy last night :).  We have to put a sticker at the children's eye level on the glass doors so the kids know they are there, but she marked that we are ok right now because Bella leaves nose prints at that level (yes, she said that... so much for cleaning the doors earlier in the day).  She also left us with more papers including the cards for fingerprints, medical examination report, financial assessment, health history assessment, family/parent questionnaire.  The family/parent questionnaire is nine pages long and includes questions such as "Tell us something about your childhood and the people who reared you."  "I married my spouse because..." "I know I can irritate my spouse when..." and "The best/worst time of day at our house is..."  Wow, I feel like we are preparing for a test.  Sam said that I get to do most of the talking at the home study since I know the "teacher response."  Our caseworker, Maggie, said that after the two home studies are completed they will have 30-40 typed pages of information on us, I told her we probably won't have that many since we really aren't that interesting.  We also talked some about the Life Book that we have to make.  I have a question to those of you who have been through the adoption process, did you make the book geared towards the children or the caseworker?  She said that either way is OK, I just can't decide which one to do.  For those of you who don't know, the Life Book is a 3-5 page photo scrapbook about us that can include our family, pets, home, vacations, close friends, anything we want the kids and their caseworker to see.  Please pray that this process moves quickly, Maggie said it could take anywhere from a couple of months to a couple of years .

Paperwork Pregnancy - Month 2

Since the main reason I started this blog was to keep people up to date with our adoption process, I thought it might be a good idea to let you know how it's going.  I've decided to count February 10 as the start date for our "paperwork pregnancy" since that is the day that we received our first packet of paperwork to fill out (even though there were many phone calls and e-mails prior to that date).  We have completed the first round of paperwork (I think it was something like 20 pages) and background checks.  Our initial home visit is scheduled for Tuesday, March 29 (which means I will spend all weekend cleaning :), this visit is a precursor to the home study that will happen sometime in the near future, at the initial home visit our caseworker will bring us even more paperwork and background check forms.  We begin parenting classes on Tuesday, April 19.  They are every Tuesday and Thursday from 6-9 for four and a half weeks.  Denise, my good friend and mentor when I was teaching, is the instructor for the parenting course, so this could be interesting (I'm just glad that Amanda, the other founding member of Team One, won't be in class with me so I won't be laughing the whole time, I'm sure Denise appreciates this too :).  We're excited to finally be seeing some progress in this crazy journey!

You Heard it Here First

Life as we know it is about to be replaced with parenting classes, home studies, background checks, references, and lots and lots of paperwork.  That's right, we're moving on with the adoption process!  Exciting, right!  Adoption is something that we've been talking about for a long time (before we even knew we would have fertility problems), we just always thought we would have biological children first (which technically we did, but I'm talking Earth babies here).  Although we will go through with this week's procedure, we might or might not continue fertility treatments while we are doing the adoption process, we still have to figure that out.  We originally thought that we wouldn't, but now our specialist has suggested we apply for a research study for young couples with unexplained infertility so we might do that.

What we do know is that we are going to adopt through DHS.  I have spoken with a representative from the state level.  She sent us the paperwork, it should be here tomorrow, and assigned us to a local case worker.  We have decided to adopt a sibling pair with a maximum age of 4.  How's that for exciting?!?!?!