The Case of the Missing Necklace

Mid-December, I lost my necklace.  Not just any necklace, my Aubrey necklace.  The necklace I wear every single day.  I take my necklace off an average of once a day because if I blow dry my hair with it on it burns my skin.  On this particular Monday night, I took my necklace off in the living room and placed it (feet side up as always) on the table between two chairs.  When I went to put my necklace back on the next morning (I must have been super tired to go to sleep without it because I normally sleep with my hand wrapped around it), it wasn't where I thought I left it.  I looked for it for 30 minutes or so before the boss called and I had to go to work.  When he went down for a nap, I resumed looking for my necklace.  I spent both of his entire nap times that day looking for my necklace.  I kept thinking it has to be in this house somewhere, maybe Bella's tail hit it and it flew under a piece of furniture, what if one of the dogs ate it (our dogs are both way past the eating random stuff stage, but it still crossed my mind). 

That night, after tucking Joseph in bed, I went out to the garage where Sam was working to tell him I still couldn't find my necklace and I broke down.  I'm talking heaving shoulders, can't catch your breath crying.  I even told him it was worse than losing my wedding ring because at least I would still have him.  Through it all, he just kept hugging me and telling me that everything would be ok.  He said that if we didn't find it by my birthday he would order me a new one.  I went to bed and cried myself to sleep.

The next day, I continued my frantically searching the house while Joseph was sleeping routine.  I didn't pick up dog poo or vacuum the house out of fear of losing my necklace forever.  I looked under every piece of furniture with a flashlight thinking it would reflect the light when hit.

Thursday things got real.  I was hosting bunco that night and had to clean my house that hadn't been touched at all the last couple of days due to my missing necklace.  It was also the day before trash day and I knew that I wouldn't be able to put the trash out unless I looked through it (I had already gone through the trash can in the house).  As soon as Joseph went down for morning nap, I grabbed the baby monitor and went outside. I'm glad that all of our neighbors were at work because I searched through every single item in our entire big blue trash can while sitting in our driveway.  It wasn't there.  After lunch, I asked a neighbor who works half days to watch Joseph so I could carefully vacuum.  I flipped every piece of furniture in our living room except for the way too heavy couch while I was vacuuming.  I still didn't find it. 

I started to admit to myself that I might have really lost it for good.  I went about my afternoon preparing for the girls to come over.  When Sam got home, I was in the kitchen dipping oreo pops.  He said, "I have something for you."  I turned around and immediately started hysterically crying when I saw him holding my necklace.  He then told me that he had my necklace the entire time because he had been talking to a jeweler about adding a diamond to it since he knew it would be pointless to buy me new jewelry (I don't even wear my engagement ring or the anniversary band I just had to have 97% of the time {I do wear my wedding band 100% of the time}).  When I finally calmed down, he asked if I was mad at him.  I honestly told him that I wasn't mad, just relieved to have one of my most prized possessions back. 

When I reflected back on the last few days, it all made sense.  That's why he barely helped me look for it.  That's why he just kept hugging me the first night when I was crying (he admitted that he was hugging me so I wouldn't see him laughing and he almost gave it back right then because he felt so bad).  That's why he wanted me to wait so long before ordering a new one. 

Oh, and in case you are wondering, no, they didn't add a diamond because they were afraid they would mess it up which is just fine with me. 

This picture was taken 2 1/2 years ago when it was still shiny and new.

The Dream

Over Thanksgiving weekend, I had a dream.  Not just any dream, the most amazing dream I've ever had.  In my dream, we were at Sam's parents' house for Thanksgiving.  Sam and his brothers were in the yard goofing around probably playing football while a few of us watched.  A little girl who was about 3 or 4 came running out of the house and stood there laughing while watching the boys.  She was wearing a cute, simple purple dress and had a purple bow holding back her wavy blonde hair.  Not long after she appeared, I began waking up.  As I was starting to wake up, she looked up at me and smiled and I knew instantly that it was Aubrey.  At that moment, I wanted nothing more than to go back to my dream.  I remember trying to block out the noise that was waking me and concentrate on going back to sleep.  I wanted to hug her.  To tell her I love her.  To memorize every feature of her sweet angelic face.  But it wasn't meant to be.  So I woke up and, through tears, told Sam every detail I could remember about this amazing dream.  Someday I will see Aubrey again, but until then, I will cherish the memories I have of her including this new one.  Even if it was just a dream.

Two Blooms

I've been meaning to write this post for a couple of months, I just haven't had a chance or felt up to it.  

When Aubrey passed away, we held a small graveside service for her.  Nothing big, just family and close friends (really, we didn't call anyone and tell them, it was just people that heard and wanted to attend).  As is common with most funerals, some people sent floral arrangements or potted plants.  I have managed (barely) to keep two of Aubrey's potted plants alive.  One is some kind of viney thing and about once a week I really wonder if it will make it to the next week.  The other one is a Peace Lily.  The Peace Lily and I have a decent relationship, although it seldom blooms for me and when it does, it only has one bloom at a time.  Both plants live in our kitchen window and neither plant has a name, they are simply referred to as Aubrey's plants.  Shortly after Joseph joined our family, I was washing dishes when I looked up and noticed two gorgeous white blooms on the Peace Lily (when we left for the hospital, it had none). 

Some might see this as a coincidence, but I took it as a sign from Aubrey.  It's hard to have a new baby join your family after a loss.  You don't want to replace the child you lost, but at the same time you have to keep moving forward.  To me, two blooms were Aubrey's way of saying, "Mom, you have two kids now.  I know you won't forget me and I want you to know that it's ok to move on." 

I like to think that Aubrey got to help God to choose the perfect baby for our family.

It's Been a Month Already?!?!

Wow!  I can't believe it's already been a month.  And yet, this has been a long 30 days (tomorrow is the actual 30 day mark!).  We're so glad that Joseph joined our family!  Words can't express the joy and love I feel when I look at him.

He quickly learned Sam and my voices and turns his head to find us when we speak.  He has a strong neck (he's pretty much been lifting his head since birth), and has almost rolled from his back to stomach on multiple occasions (just yesterday, Sam went into the bedroom to check on him and asked me if I had laid him down on his side because that's how he was sleeping. {I really wish he would wait on this milestone!}).  Although he isn't "cooing," he is making noises that aren't crying :).  Joseph no longer hates baths, but I wouldn't say he loves them either.  So far, he has a few nicknames including Joe, Lil Joe, Broseph, and Trey (because he's the third "Joe"), but I still prefer to call him Joseph. 

Joseph - 1 Month

This first month has surfaced some emotions I wasn't expecting.  I think the toughest time was when I realized that if Aubrey were living, Joseph wouldn't be in our lives.  We've always wanted to adopt (we thought it would be great to have two biological then two adopted), but it hit me that Aubrey would just now be turning two and, if she were here, we would be trying for baby number two, not knowing that adoption was our next step. It's hard to wish for one child over the other; thankfully, we don't have to choose between the two because God made that choice for us.  For now, we will be content raising Joseph knowing that our family will be whole again someday.

Aubrey's Birthday

Last Thursday was the second anniversary of Aubrey's birth.  As we did last year on her birthday, Sam and I both took the day off from work to enjoy spending time together (we've decided that a great way to honor her is to spend time strengthening our marriage).  We ate a nice lunch, took a fresh spray of flowers to her grave (where Sam also read his annual letter to her), made a donation to St. Jude in her name, and took a nap.  All in all, it was a great day!

What a Difference a Year Makes

Two years ago on this date was one of the best days of my life... the day we found out we were finally pregnant! Yesterday, when I realized today's date, I couldn't help but reflect on how different this last year has been from the previous six months. At the beginning of this month, we reached the year and a half mark since Aubrey's birth. Although I still think about her daily, I no longer dwell on her life/death. I am now able to talk to people about her without crying (although I often see tears in their eyes which then causes tears in mine because I feel bad for making them feel that way). And, I can now see pregnant people without feeling like I'm going to puke (although I would be lying if I said they have no effect on me).

Last year on this date, I was in no way ready to teach again. Now, I am excited to report that I'm back in the classroom doing what I love (more on that later). And, I'm eagerly awaiting the arrival of my precious nephew in March (I pray every night that my sister delivers a happy, healthy, LIVING baby).

Thank you, God, for helping this pain hurt a little less each day.

Walking in Memory of Aubrey

Next week is baby loss awareness week.  I won't write a lot about it because I figure I talk about Aubrey enough on this blog to bring awareness to the baby loss world, but I would like to tell you about the memory walk Sam and I participated in on Saturday.  The walk included a guest speaker, balloon release, bake sale, silent auction, and the walk itself.   The purpose of the memory walk was to raise money to provide baskets to parents who would otherwise leave the hospital empty handed.  Each basket includes a cute outfit, blanket, stuffed animal, and picture frame among other things an angel parent might need/want. 

The guest speaker told the story of her four year old daughter who battled cancer for 19 months before passing away.  Her story helped show us that we are truly doing the right thing by donating to St. Jude in Aubrey's name.  We might have lost our daughter, but we didn't have to watch her suffer. 

We sent notes to our angels via balloons.

Sam and I were talking about the balloon release, and we decided that it is kind of like the angel babies themselves.  You hold them for a short time then release them knowing you can never get them back.

This is one of the baskets ready for the hospital. 

I have to say that my friends are amazing!  When I put on facebook that we were going to participate in the memory walk, many people asked how they could help.  My friend, Amber, made precious bracelets to include in the hospital baskets and my Highland Park family (the school where I used to teach) all pitched in to make an amazing basket for the silent auction.  It was so awesome that we ended up breaking it up into two baskets to raise more money!  One of my former co-workers from Highland Park who's parents live in the area where the walk was held, even came by to remember Presley (another angel baby who's mom hosts this event) and Aubrey. 

The larger of the two Highland Park baskets after we split them up. 

The smaller Highland Park basket.  

Mandy, Sam's cousin's wife our cousin, made a couple of Scentsy baskets too.

Over all, it was a great day!  Not only did we remember our sweet Aubrey and raise money for a great cause, I was able to meet other angel moms and hear their stories as well as share Aubrey's story. 

Patience

A question that I get often is, "Have you heard anything about the kids?"  I normally answer by telling whoever asked that we are still in the middle of the fertility study and will be represented on September 13th at the state adoption staffing for the first time.  They often respond with something along the lines of, "You are so patient." "Keep me updated." or "I'll pray for you."  Well, I'm here to tell you that I'm not a patient person by nature.  In elementary school, my mom had to take me to the doctor because my stomach was constantly upset.  Turns out, I worry too much.  I stress about things like being late, doing my best, and hurting others. 

When we were doing the first set of fertility treatments (the ones that resulted in Aubrey), I joked that God was teaching me a lesson in patience.  When we finally got pregnant, I thought, "Man, I'm glad that lesson is over."  I wasn't that person who was ready to "just have this baby already,"  I cherished every moment.  Don't get me wrong, I was ready to meet her, I just wanted it to be when she was good and ready.  My husband was telling me just the other night what a trooper I was when I was pregnant (there were times when I would "use" the bathroom at a friend's house or restaurant and he wouldn't even know until we were leaving because I would come out laughing and talking like nothing happened, I even carried a little bottle of mouthwash with me). 

Now I realize that my first lesson in patience was just that, the FIRST lesson.  Anyone who knew me before I had Aubrey knows that I'm a different person now.  I'm much more laid back and don't worry about near as much as I used to.  I still worry about some things, just not little stuff like a perfectly straight and square bulletin board (yeah, I used to stress BIG time about that).  One part of my personality that hasn't changed is my desire to make the best of any situation, I figure you can either laugh or cry so I choose to laugh.  

I'm not sure what God's trying to teach me now, but I'm doing my best to meet his expectations.  Until I know what it is, I'll keep waiting.  Waiting to find out if the latest fertility treatment worked.  Waiting to start the next fertility treatment.  Waiting to get "the call" from DHS.  Waiting to see my first born again in Heaven (I'm in no rush for this one, it's just something I look forward to). 

How We Honor Aubrey

Today I want to share with you how we honor Aubrey on her special days.  There is no right or wrong way to celebrate an angel baby, this is simply how we choose to.  First, I want to say that in our house you will find many reminders of Aubrey, but her pictures are limited to our bedroom.  I don't know why, but I'm not ready to share her with everyone yet.  I think it's because I don't want to force her on people, I only want to share her with those who really want to see her (that being said, if you ever see me in person and would like to see a picture of my sweet angel, just ask, I love sharing her with people who care and I always have pictures in my purse (those who have seen her agree that she was beautiful and perfect)).  

When you enter our house, you will see this lovely saying.  

(It's not near as big as it looks in this picture.)

 Aubrey's hand and foot prints are on display in our living room. 

 In our bedroom we have a medium sized cedar chest with Aubrey's special things.  The board above it says, "When I count my blessings, I count you twice."  Additionally, we each selected a picture to put on our nightstands. 

We thought long and hard about the best way to celebrate her and finally decided on a couple of guidelines.  For holidays that I would have bought or made her a cute outfit for (such as 4th of July, Father's Day, or Valentine's Day), we change the flowers on her grave (they aren't always new, I keep previous flowers in Rubbermaid containers in the garage to re-use since they don't stay out there that long).  To date, I have never changed the flowers alone, we always go as a couple.  

 Aubrey's birthday flowers this year.

Christmas flowers.

Easter flowers (we'll see if they come back next spring :)

For special holidays such as her birthday and Christmas, she gets flowers AND we make a donation in her name (normally to a kid oriented charity such as St. Jude).  Pretty much, if we would have bought her a gift, we make a donation.  (Last year at Christmas, we received a letter saying one of our friends had made a donation to the Ronald McDonald house in Aubrey's name since it was our first Christmas without her.  Let's just say it really touched this mama's heart.)

 All of her "in memory" cards go in her box. 

For her birthday this year, we decided to make a donation to the OSU Center for Early Childhood Teaching and Learning.  The best part of this donation is that your choice of wording is put on a bronze name plate that is then placed in a mural on campus. 

This is the wall...

that contains the tree...

that contains the leaf with Aubrey's name.

As I said before, there is no right or wrong way to celebrate an angel baby, this is simply how we choose to do it.  My words of advice, follow what's in your heart. 

Happy Father's Day to a Great Angel Daddy

Today was Father's Day.  It's one of those holidays that we really aren't sure how to celebrate.  We know we're parents, just under non-typical circumstances.  I think it's easier for me to feel like a mom because girls are willing to listen to me talk about sweet Aubrey whenever I feel the need, unfortunately, it's not as acceptable for guys.

Sam is such a great angel daddy (which is no easy task)!  He's the type of dad who would give almost anything to have his daughter here on Earth with us.  When you open Sam's bible, you will find a post-it note containing Aubrey's whole name (before we left for the hospital he had me write her name down in case I was out of it and he had to fill out any papers, he put it in his bible for safe keeping and it's been there every since).  He's the one who suggested the second kiss for Aubrey.  He always says the sweetest things like the other night on our way to dinner for his birthday when he said, "this has been a great day, the only thing that would make it better is if we had our little girl in the back seat."  Or today, when we were putting "daddy's choice" flowers on Aubrey's grave for Father's Day and he said, "I wish I had her here, but I know she's celebrating this day with our Heavenly Father."  

This is Sam holding Aubrey the night she was born (I cropped her out because I still don't want to post her pictures on the internet, maybe someday I'll be ready).  I love the look on his face, it contains so many emotions including love for his daughter,  joy to finally see her, sorrow that she was no longer alive, and relief that I was OK.  

Happy Father's Day, Sam!  Your love for our angel makes me want to have an Earth family with you even more!

My Mother's Day Surprise

I try to be a really positive person (and most of the time I think I succeed), but everyone is allowed a rough day week sometimes, right?  Well, last week was that week for me.  First of all, it was Aubrey's week.  I'm calling it Aubrey's week because it includes the day we discovered she didn't have a heartbeat, her delivery, her funeral, and all the days in between.  This week was also teacher appreciation week, being a teacher is my #2 dream job and what I gave up to stay home with Aubrey.  The topper for this week was Mother's Day, my #1 dream job that I was so looking forward to doing.  Do you know how hard it is to feel like a mom when your only child is an angel?!

For Aubrey's birthday, Sam and I decided to take her some live flowers for a change.  Sam took a stake and fixed it so I could put the flowers in a vase with water so they wouldn't be dead the next day.  In addition to visiting her grave (where Sam read a sweet, sweet letter that he wrote to her for her birthday), we spent Aubrey's birthday getting finger printed, physicals, and going to class. 

Aubrey's birthday flowers

For Mother's Day weekend, Sam and I went camping.  It was a perfect weekend at the lake with just us and the dogs.  We borrowed a couple of kayaks from my former principal and took advantage of the lack of wind Saturday by spending a lot of time on the water.  We were going to stay out there two nights, but decided to come home late Saturday evening after Sam got a terrible sunburn (we now have sunblock on the master camping list). 

Sunday, after church, we went to Aubrey's grave to collect the dead flowers and leave some fake ones.  Imagine my surprise when we pulled up and saw this:

That's right, the daisies died as expected, but the unopened buds bloomed into these beautiful flowers!  I know it's just a simple thing, but this unexpected surprise really turned my week around.  To me it was a little symbolic, the daisies died, but something beautiful and unexpected came of their short life.

I also left a tile that I made for Aubrey by her headstone.  For this tile I used a quote from a Robert Munsch book to say what she means to me. 

One Year Ago Today, God Gave Us an Angel

I have decided that for the one year anniversary of some of the best and worst days of my life I would like to share Aubrey's story.  I'm doing this partly because I want to share her short little life (hey, she's still my daughter and I still love talking about her) and partly in a hope that in some way our story will help other couples who go through late term pregnancy or infant loss.  Our goal is to honor Aubrey as a defining member of our family without dwelling on her death.  We just want her to be remembered and to do good in her name. 

November 3, 2009
Sam and I completed our second round of intrauterine insemination (IUI).  I joked that if that round "took" we should either name our child Mac or Wendy because we ate breakfast at McDonald's and lunch at Wendy's that day.  Between our two appointments (one at 7 am and one at 11 am) Sam took me shopping for new ski gloves since we had already paid for a trip in January assuming that we wouldn't get pregnant.

November 17, 2009
Even though I was sure it would be negative, I took a home pregnancy test while Sam was in the shower.  When he came out of the bathroom I told him that we were pregnant.  He was, literally, jump up and down happy!!!  We couldn't believe it, so I took another test and were ecstatic to get the same result!  I not so patiently waited until 7 for my specialist's office to open so I could call and see what I needed to do next.  When I arrived at school that morning I immediately told Denise and Amanda (the other first grade teachers, aka Team One) my news because I'm horrible at keeping secrets and I needed them to cover for me while I went to the hospital to get some blood drawn both that day and 48 hours later (thank goodness I had a student teacher).  When I told the rest of Team One Amanda started crying because she knew that I would be quiting to stay home with my little bundle of love.

December 8, 2009 
 Sam and I drove to Oklahoma City to see our blessing for the first time.  Dr. Hanson did a very extensive ultrasound to make sure that there was only one baby since we had an increased chance of multiples due to our fertility treatments.

Week of January 3, 2010
After clearing it with the doctor, Sam and I went skiing with his brothers and some friends.  I was restricted to the greens, but was content with that in order to keep our little one safe.  Throughout the trip I jokingly referred to my ski gloves as my conception day gift.

March 8, 2010
We waited until 20 weeks for our gender revealing ultrasound because we wanted to make sure that the tech was right.  As we were setting in the waiting room we noticed a couple crying.  When we went into the room Sam asked the tech what the worst part of her job was, she said giving people bad news like that they had miscarried, but that our little one was perfect and healthy and growing appropriately so we didn't have anything to worry about.   She then looked around a little more and announced that she was ready to tell us the gender.  When she said, "It's a girl," Sam said, "Are you sure?!?!"  You see, Sam's family is very male dominate so we had just assumed that we would be having a boy (even though Sam secretly wanted a girl).  In fact, many members of his family told us to wait to cut the tags off her clothes until she was here to make sure it was a girl.  From this day on, she was referred to as Aubrey Marie.

April 22, 2010
My coworkers held a baby shower for us on Earth Day.  Amanda thought it would be funny to decorate with a combination of baby stuff and globes.  Team One had secretly had a onesie made for Aubrey that read, "Team One Junior Member."  

April 30, 2010
I remember feeling Aubrey move that morning when I got up, but not really during the day.  One of my "special friends" wasn't at school that day and I had sat down most of the day completing assessments so I just assumed that she was enjoying the break.  I didn't want to be one of those moms who worried about every little thing.  Besides, other moms who where as far along as I was or farther said that their babies moved much less than Aubrey.  That evening I told Sam that she was being really lazy, we decided to keep an eye on it.

May 1, 2010
By far the worst day of my life!  When I woke up on this Saturday morning I immediately noticed that Aubrey still wasn't moving which worried me because she was like her momma in that she was a morning person.  I started doing things to upset her like jumping, drinking juice, and pushing on my stomach so she would move and I would know she was OK.  I called my mom and asked if she ever remembered us not moving at this point in gestation, she suggested the things that I had already tried so I told her that I would call her back with an update (she later told me that she knew then that something was seriously wrong).  In a final attempt to get Aubrey to move I took a really, really warm shower.  During this shower the reality of our situation started to sink in,  I remember crying and praying while the warm water washed over me.  I prayed asking God to protect our baby.  I also told God that we aren't strong enough to do this on our own, that if He was going to put us in this situation, we were relying on Him to get us through.  After I got out of the shower Sam and I went to the emergency room because our doctor isn't open on Saturdays and we didn't know where else to go.

When we entered the emergency room they acted like we shouldn't be there and kept asking questions like, "Is this your first pregnancy?" and "Now how far along did you say you were?"  All we wanted was for them to use their fetal heartbeat monitor so we could know that our sweet girl was OK.  They decided not to mess with us in the er and sent us up to labor and delivery.

As we were walking into labor and delivery a doctor strolled past with an Ed Hardy type shirt on and a stethoscope around his neck as if he didn't have a care in the world.  Dr. Henry was out of town that weekend so a nurse named Jennifer took us into a side room with a fetal heartbeat monitor until the doctor covering Dr. Henry's patients could get there.  Jennifer was having a hard time finding Aubrey's heartbeat and kept saying how she wasn't very good at using those things, I kept telling her that Dr. Henry always finds it on my lower right side so she needed to try there more.  Jennifer decided to call in another nurse to help her find Aubrey's heartbeat (I have to say that they were both very positive and polite during our whole visit).  Jennifer said that while the other nurse was finding Aubrey's heartbeat she would go find the doctor so she could do an ultra sound.  As the door closed behind her, I heard Jennifer say, "Get in here now,"  at that moment I knew this was bad, but still had hope. 

Jennifer walked back into the room with the Ed Hardy doctor (who turned out to be Dr. Evans, a really, really nice guy who attends our church).  He prepared me for an ultrasound while the nurses got the machine ready.  The doctor started the ultrasound and stopped on a non-moving black circle.  I kept asking, "Is that her heart?" over and over.  Neither of the nurses nor the doctor said anything, then Sam said, "It is, isn't it?"  While the nurses turned off the ultrasound machine, Dr. Evans wiped off my stomach and said, "I'm sorry."  I sat there in shock while my husband cried like I've never heard him cry.  The doctor and nurses left the room to give Sam and I some time alone.  A few minutes later, Dr. Evans and Jennifer entered the room to talk with us about our options.  Soon after they entered, the doctor covering Dr. Henry's patients entered so Dr. Evans left.  The new doctor told us that we had three choices, we could wait until my body figured it out and went into labor on its own (this could take up to two weeks), induce that day, or induce the next day with Dr. Henry.  We decided to wait until the next day so that we could spend that day mentally preparing for what was about to happen and we could have our doctor at the delivery.  Sam and I went home and called our family.  Dr. Henry called us from his family outing to discuss what would happen the next day.

May 2, 2010
Sam and I had to be at the hospital at 7am on May 2.  We arrived and Jennifer met us and showed us to our room, she said that she had requested to be our nurse.  Not too long after we arrived, they hooked me up to an IV and Dr. Henry came into the room.  He did another ultrasound during which he noticed that my fluid level was a little low, but not enough that he would be concerned about it under different circumstances.  Sometime that early morning they started the drugs to induce labor.  Throughout the day, Jennifer consistently came in to check my progress, they gave me more labor inducing drugs every four hours.  Mom and Mindy spent a lot of the day looking for a cute preemie outfit (not an easy task in Stillwater on a Sunday).  Many family and friends stopped by to show their support that day.  At 6pm we met our night nurse, Brandi.  We stayed on the same labor inducing drug schedule and I slept every other two hours throughout the night thanks to the drugs they gave me.  It turns out Sam's parents, my mom and Shirley, and Blake and Mindy all slept in their vehicles in the parking lot because they were afraid Miss Aubrey would arrive and they would miss it (we thought they went to our house when they left the hospital sometime after 10pm).

May 3, 2010
At 6am we met our new day nurse, Denise.  My response to our first meeting was, "Keep that lady out of my room."  She turned out to be a great nurse, she just must not be a morning person.  The day progressed much like the previous day with lots of sitting around waiting.  Dr. Henry finally broke my water late afternoon, early evening.  Around 5:30, Dr. Henry went home to eat dinner with his family saying he would be right back.  A little bit before 6 things finally started happening.  They had ordered my epidural shortly after they broke my water, but it hadn't arrived yet.  Denise said that we could wait for the epidural to get there or I could go ahead and deliver her.  We chose option B.  Denise called Dr. Henry while Brandi (our same night nurse as the previous night) prepared us for delivery.  With the help of Denise and Brandi, I delivered our perfect angel at 6:42pm.  She weighed 2 pounds 6.6 ounces, was 15 inches long and had wavy brown hair.

Dr. Henry arrived right after Aubrey was born.  Before we could see her, Denise and Brandi took Aubrey to clean and dress her as well as take samples and pictures for her autopsy (It was determined that she suffered a cord accident.  In the words of the medical examiner, "She's too perfect for it to be anything else.").  They returned shortly with our angel.  Sam and I spent some time alone with her, then invited any family and friends that wanted to come see her.  I'm actually thankful that my epidural didn't arrive in time because I have vivid memories of the time we got to spend with our little girl.  Sam, Mindy and I took her hand and footprints with paint for my friend, Julia, to embellish (they turned out amazing).  We took turns holding Aubrey, memorizing her face and body, smelling her little newborn head, kissing her sweet cheeks, taking pictures.  Sometime later, Brandi came and got Aubrey from us.  Our family went home or to our house and Sam and I began preparing to go home (we learned that since I didn't get an epidural we only had to stay for 3 hours post delivery).  At 10pm, on our way out, Sam and I stopped by the desk and asked to see Aubrey one last time (we had been advised that they don't embalm newborns, so we couldn't see her after she left the hospital).  We left the hospital that night broken hearted and empty handed.

5k (success), Aubrey's Easter Flowers, and Class Starts Tonight

A 5k race is an interesting thing.  In fact, about 1/2 mile in I was convinced that I never wanted to run another one.  It's not the running (to be truthful my pace is more of a jog) that bothers me, it was all the people.  My sweet husband (who ran at my pace even though longer strides are much easier for him) suggested we start towards the back of the group so we could pass people instead of getting passed (you know, to help our mental game).  Well, that's all fine and dandy until you end up behind about 600 people who are going slower than you while they take up the entire road, it's just hard to set your pace when your are in a group of people that tight.  After the first mile or so, people started to spread out making it a much more enjoyable experience.  In the end, I was able to complete the race accomplishing both of my goals, the one I verbalized (to run the entire race) and the one I hoped for (to finish in less than 30 minutes).  Overall it was a great experience and I've already decided to look for another 5k to participate in in a few months.

After the run, Sam and I planted some tulips at Aubrey's grave.  I've been wanting to plant something out there for a while, but couldn't decide what I wanted.  Earlier in the week, when I went shopping, I saw pots of tulips at the store.  I told Sam about them and that I was thinking about getting some for the house, he suggested that we get some to plant for Aubrey instead.  We went back to the store together and he picked out some purple tulips for our little angel which surprised me because he normally picks pink stuff for her.  I love how they look behind her headstone, hopefully they will survive out there.

Tonight and Thursday we have our first and second parenting classes for DHS and tomorrow we have the first visit of our actual home study (with the contracted person, not our caseworker... I know, this whole process confuses me too)!  I'll let you know how it all goes.

A Step Towards Healing

This weekend I held a baby.  Up to that day I hadn't held any children within a couple months of Aubrey's age.  It's not because I didn't have the opportunity, I just couldn't bring myself to do it.  This time was different, I was at a Piggies and Paws party in Lawton and have no clue who her parents are other than the fact that we were at the same person's house at the same time.  When the twins and their older sister walked in there was something about this little girl that made me ache inside so I offered to hold her while her parents looked at the print options.  I then asked questions about her age and gestation at birth and realized why I was so attached to her.  This was a baby girl born at the end of May at 33 weeks.  She and her twin brother were conceived at the same clinic we use at the end of October  meaning she was conceived about the same time Aubrey was and born about the same time as Aubrey.    The whole time I was holding her I kept thinking, "I wish Sam could see this little girl."  That evening when I was telling Sam about holding her he wanted to know everything about her like how big she was and if she was crawling yet, it was so cute how much he cared.  Luckily her parents were nice and, after I explained myself a little, didn't mind the crazy lady who was holding their daughter with tears trickling down her cheeks.

What a Week

 Wow, where has the week gone?!  Wednesday I went to the Pioneer Woman book signing in Ponca City.  I know, you're probably thinking, "she drove all the way to Ponca City for a book signing."  First off, Ponca (as we call it 'round here)  is only about 45 minutes away (and that, my friends, is how you know I'm from Oklahoma, I tell distance in time).  Second off,  I wanted to go because attending her cook book signing last spring is one of my memories.  What memories am I talking about?  I'm talking about my Aubrey memories.  You see, since I don't get to make new memories with her, I cherish the everything that happened while I was pregnant.  That's part of the reason we went skiing a few weeks ago, I also went skiing when I was 11 weeks pregnant with Aubrey.  As soon as I arrived at the book signing  I was worried that I had made a mistake.  There were lots of babies there, and not just any babies, there were a couple of baby girls born last summer.  Although I teared up a few times, I managed to avoid a full blown break down.  A few hours and a couple of new friends later, I finally got my book signed and headed home. Because I look horrible in this year's picture, here is a picture from the cook book signing I went to last spring when I was about 6 months pregnant.

Today was the Piggies and Paws party at my house.  Earlier in the week I was afraid that I had made a mistake by inviting a bunch of kids to my house, especially since a few of them were the age Aubrey should be.  I can now honestly say that I'm glad I did it.  We had fun eating cookies, drinking lemonade, and ordering adorable hand and footprint art. 

Today I'm gong to leave you with a song that just won't leave my head.  It's a beautiful, sweet song about a girl named Aubrey. 

Today is Going to be a Great Day!!!

Why is today going to be a great day?  It's going to be great for multiple reasons but the biggest and best is that Sam is off work today too so I get to hang out with him for a third day in a row!  What's on the agenda?  Well, we have a bunch of stuff that we would like to accomplish, but only a few things that we have to do.  Our top adventure today will be getting Aubrey some new spring time flowers and visiting her grave.  You see, we like to change out her flowers according to the holiday (right now she has a cute rose arrangement for Valentine's, but I'm thinking it's time for some tulips).  After that we have a couple of errands to run and then we are hoping to hit the bike trails.

Another reason it's going to be a great day is that last week I entered a give away over at www.makeit-loveit.com (check it out, she does some great tutorials).  The give away was for a $100 Target gift card and guess what!  Out of over 4000 entries, I won!!!  I thought it was a joke when I got the e-mail this morning, but then I went to the website and saw that it was true.  Thank you, Ashley, for having this great give away and thank you, Jessica, for introducing me to her site.

Happy President's Day!

I Just Want Her to be Remembered

Disclaimer:  Sometimes I will talk about Aubrey on here.  It doesn't mean I'm having a bad day or that I'm looking for sympathy.  All it means is that I don't want her to be forgotten.   

I would like to share with you a song that very accurately describes how we feel following the loss of Aubrey.  It was written by Todd Smith of the Christian group Selah after doctors told him and his wife that their unborn daughter, Audrey, was missing several vital organs.  Doctors suggested that they terminate the pregnancy, but they chose to carry her. 

Todd's wife, Angie, also wrote a book titled I Will Carry You.  It is an amazing story of how they prepared for the day they got to hold their daughter in their arms and how they continued to look to the Lord after she was gone.  I highly recommend it.  I read it shortly after we lost Aubrey and couldn't believe how similar her feelings were to my own. 

I thank God every day that he gave us Aubrey, even if it was just for a short time.  I can honestly say that the day Aubrey was born was one of the best days of my life.  On that day I got to see, smell, hold and kiss my sweet angel.  Aubrey, Mommy loves you and can't wait to see you again!