Friday, April 6, 2012

With a Heavy Heart

Today my heart is heavy.  As you know, our journey to have a family has not been a short or easy one.  Along the way, we have met many people.  One person that we met was a young lady that I will refer to as N.  A friend put N and I in contact with each other in December.  N was pregnant (we later found out it was a little girl due at the beginning of June) and considering putting the baby up for adoption.  We communicated through our mutual friend for about a month until N finally contacted me herself.  During our conversations, it was obvious that N loved this baby very much.  She was torn between putting the child up for adoption and keeping it.  Sometimes our conversations involved the baby, sometimes they involved our pasts (she wanted to know about our journey to have a family and asked questions about Aubrey as our friend had told N about her), and sometimes they were just about every day life (she is a freshman in college trying to find the balance between class, work, and fun).

On February 9th, N called to tell me that she hoped we find the baby that is right for our family, but unfortunately it wasn't hers.  I was sad to say the least as we had been hoping and praying that this might be our child.  Even though I was sad, I told N that I would be there for her if she ever needed anything.  We have texted a few times since that phone call. 

Yesterday, I received a text that took my breath away.  It was from our friend.  She wanted to let me know that N had gone into premature labor the night before and the baby was stillborn.  I immediately texted N to let her know that I am here for her if she needs anything then called Sam crying.  Although I knew that this wasn't our baby, I still felt an attachment to both the baby and N and the fact that N experienced a loss so similar to my own hit me right in the heart.  N called me last night.  Through our conversation, I learned that she has little support during this difficult time.  She's experiencing many of the same things that I experienced when we lost Aubrey (fear, sadness, anger just to name a few), but the main difference I am noticing is that I had amazing family and friends that lifted us up in prayer and helped us through. 

My heart goes out to this young lady who is having to grow up way too fast.  I want so badly to wrap her in my arms as a mother would and tell her that everything is going to be alright.  I want her to know that as bad as this sucks right now, she will be OK again (not the person she was before, but OK).  I want to reassure her that both of our daughters are in heaven and we will see them again when the time is right.  I want her to know that it's fine to cry and be sad right now.  As it says in John 16:22, "Now is your time of grief, but I will see you again and you will rejoice, and no one will take away your joy."

I believe that some people are put in your life because you need them while others are put in your life because they need you.  Right now, I'm trying to be what sweet N needs.  This is where you come in.  If you find it in your heart, please join me in lifting N up in prayer.  Pray that the Lord gives her comfort and strength to overcome this situation.  Pray that she finds peace in the knowledge that she will see her baby girl again someday.  Pray that N knows that she is loved and supported.  If you would like to leave an encouraging comment on my blog for her, I will share them with her when the time is right.


  1. Oh Courtney! I don't know N, but my heart is broken for her. 2 Corinthians 1:3-4 "Praise be to the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of compassion and the God of all comfort,who comforts us in all our troubles, so that we can comfort those in any trouble with the comfort we ourselves receive from God." God had a plan for you to be in this young woman's life during this time. I don't have any words of wisdom for her, but just let her know that she is in my prayers.

  2. Oh no. My heart goes out to her, and to you as it will no doubt stir up lots of things for you.

  3. Such a difficult thing to go through. I gave birth to a son in 2002. He was stillborn. We had waited so many years for this child, through infertility and miscarriage. Needless to say, we were devastated. It gets easier. Now we have gone for 10 years. Every January I think of him on his birthday. Every holiday I wonder "What if?" I count him among my children and am proud to be his mother. It's not easy being the mother of a child in heaven. The bitterness has gone and a sad sweetness has now taken over. You don't know me, but after reading this, my heart goes out to both of you. It seems like you have been placed in the unique position of comforting someone else that is going through what you went through just a short time ago. What a blessing you are and will be in N's life. I am praying for strength and healing for both of you.