The Path We're Taking

As many of you know, yesterday was our final appointment at the fertility clinic.  (Well, it was supposed to be... they forgot to tell me that they needed fasting bloodwork since I'm finished with the study.  I'll go back for that Friday.)  The results were as we expected (negative) and I'm happy to say that we're both pretty ok with where we are in life right now.  Yes, it's a little sad to think that I will never be pregnant again (I know some of you are saying, "Don't say never," but we're trying to be realistic and know that there is a 99% chance it won't happen).  At the same time, I'm excited for the next step in our journey.  I'm eager to put all of our focus into adopting a couple (or few ;) kids without having to worry about if we might be pregnant and how that will effect everything.  I'm ready for whatever God has in store. 

One Way or the Other

Last week, we completed our final treatment as part of the fertility research study.  We won't know if it worked until next week and I'm a little anxious to find out.  I'm not anxious because I want a certain result, I'm just ready to be finished with all of this.  Fertility treatments are emotionally and physically trying and I'm ready to not worry about it anymore.  I'm ready to know if we are taking path A or B to parenthood instead of straddling the "y" in the road.  I feel like the last couple of months we have been moving forward with a foot on each path, stretching our legs farther and farther apart, wobbling as we begin to lose our balance in a split like state as we try everything possible to become parents.  Although it might not happen right away, we could potentially get "the call" from DHS any day.  I'm ready to know that we are either pregnant or not going to get pregnant as that will effect how many children we are willing to accept.

I'm not saying that we will never be back at the clinic.  In fact, if the DHS adoption doesn't move quick enough for us we are considering going back for embryo adoption (our clinic just started an in house program, they are just waiting for embryo donations).  I'm just ready to be finished for a while (pretty much, the only time that we haven't been going to the clinic in the last 2 1/2 years was part of my pregnancy with Aubrey).

I have one request, please continue to pray for us.  Pray that we are at peace with whatever result we get Wednesday.  Pray that our family grows sooner rather than later.  Pray that God guides our decisions on this journey to parenthood.

Fertility Funnies

The other night I was on Facebook when I noticed (thanks to the little sidebar) that one year previous to that date my status said, ""The clinic" is currently renovating their waiting area.  I wonder if they will update "the room" too?"  I laughed a little laugh at the comments my friends left regarding this status and thought, "maybe I should share some of our other fertility funnies on my blog."  Since, as some of you know, I don't always have a filter, here we go.

At one of our first consultations, our doctor was explaining the different procedure options to us.  When he got to IUI, he pulled a tube out of the drawer and began talking about it.  I said, "I know it's different, but I grew up on a farm, my husband grew up on a ranch, and both of our dad's are certified to AI cattle."  He cut me off with a chuckle and, while putting the tube away, said, "You know more detail than I was going to give you."

The day of our first ever IUI treatment, we discovered that the specimen collection cups they give you are not spill proof.  We noticed this when we began walking into the building and the brown paper lunch bag they give you to carry it in was a little damp.  When we got to the lab, we realized what had happened and tried to salvage as much as possible.  Lesson learned - keep the cup upright!

When it is time for the actual IUI procedure, as the doctor and nurse enter the room, the nurse flashes a little vial at you.  The first time this happened, we both smiled and nodded, not knowing what she was showing us.  As the doctor started the procedure, he asked the nurse if she verified the specimen.  That's when we realized he was referring to the name written on the vial (that we didn't notice at first).   We had a brief moment of panic, but everything worked out. 

There is a room at the clinic where out of town men can collect their specimens.  It's one of those things where everyone knows what happens in that room, but nobody says anything.  I was talking with a couple of nurses about it one day and how I always clean it like crazy before Sam goes in and one of them told me that they refer to men leaving the room as "the walk of shame" because they are all embarrassed and walking with their heads down avoiding eye contact. 

In "the room," they have material for the guys to look at.  Can you believe that people not only steal the magazines, but also the DVD's!  I was shocked when one of the nurses told me that!  Then I asked her who has the job of going to the store to replenish the room (thinking that would be really awkward) and she said nobody wants to do it, that's why it's getting so low. 

One time, they forgot to give me a sheet to cover up with after undressing from the waist down.  Since I visit there 6+ times a month and I was wearing a longish T-shirt, I just plopped myself down on the exam table and waited on them.  I was afraid that if I started looking for one they would come in and see my bare bum (which seems silly when you think about why I was there).  Upon entering the room, they quickly remedied the situation. 

 As for "the room," they did update it...

Before:

After:

There is normally a skirt around the sink.

Yes, I took our camera in "the room" to take pictures.  Yes, my husband was embarrassed. 

Patience

A question that I get often is, "Have you heard anything about the kids?"  I normally answer by telling whoever asked that we are still in the middle of the fertility study and will be represented on September 13th at the state adoption staffing for the first time.  They often respond with something along the lines of, "You are so patient." "Keep me updated." or "I'll pray for you."  Well, I'm here to tell you that I'm not a patient person by nature.  In elementary school, my mom had to take me to the doctor because my stomach was constantly upset.  Turns out, I worry too much.  I stress about things like being late, doing my best, and hurting others. 

When we were doing the first set of fertility treatments (the ones that resulted in Aubrey), I joked that God was teaching me a lesson in patience.  When we finally got pregnant, I thought, "Man, I'm glad that lesson is over."  I wasn't that person who was ready to "just have this baby already,"  I cherished every moment.  Don't get me wrong, I was ready to meet her, I just wanted it to be when she was good and ready.  My husband was telling me just the other night what a trooper I was when I was pregnant (there were times when I would "use" the bathroom at a friend's house or restaurant and he wouldn't even know until we were leaving because I would come out laughing and talking like nothing happened, I even carried a little bottle of mouthwash with me). 

Now I realize that my first lesson in patience was just that, the FIRST lesson.  Anyone who knew me before I had Aubrey knows that I'm a different person now.  I'm much more laid back and don't worry about near as much as I used to.  I still worry about some things, just not little stuff like a perfectly straight and square bulletin board (yeah, I used to stress BIG time about that).  One part of my personality that hasn't changed is my desire to make the best of any situation, I figure you can either laugh or cry so I choose to laugh.  

I'm not sure what God's trying to teach me now, but I'm doing my best to meet his expectations.  Until I know what it is, I'll keep waiting.  Waiting to find out if the latest fertility treatment worked.  Waiting to start the next fertility treatment.  Waiting to get "the call" from DHS.  Waiting to see my first born again in Heaven (I'm in no rush for this one, it's just something I look forward to). 

Decisions, Decisions

Some days we're faced with decisions to make.  Sometimes they're easy, sometimes they don't really matter, and sometimes they're difficult.  Today I had an opportunity present itself that I know will never be available again.  My initial reaction was, "Wow, this is awesome!" (well, my real initial reaction was, "Am I qualified for this?"), followed by, "Can I do this?"  I texted Sam to ask his opinion and he quickly called me back with the same thoughts I was having.  Without going into too much detail, the opportunity would have required my attention for the next seven Friday mornings.  The big problem with this is that I don't know when my fertility treatments will be.  I even called our fertility clinic to ask about afternoon appointments (they said blood work has to be in by 9 a.m. to get results that day).  We could manipulate my cycle to where I never have appointments on Fridays, but in reality, these are our final two and a half months of treatment and Sam and I have made an agreement that we are both giving it 100%, whatever it takes.  Ultimately, I turned down the opportunity,  I was afraid that if we don't get pregnant during the next few months I would always wish I had given it my all.  We shall see...

Oh, and as far as the adoption goes, we didn't make the August meeting cut-off.  Our caseworker called yesterday and told me that she had just received the final copies of all of our paperwork and our case is now open so we will be represented at the September 13th meeting!  Please continue to pray that our family grows sooner rather than later. 

All the Cool Kids Are Doing It

Since I have my blood drawn about 8 times a month for the fertility study, I've decided to make the medical wrap around the elbow look a new trend.

I even got Sam to join the trend (although he only lasted one morning :).

I have to share a funny side story that happened at school this summer.  I did something (I don't even remember what it was, but I'm sure it was awesome) that one of my kids thought was neat.  He asked, "How did you do that?"  I responded, "Super cool teacher trick."  He looked at me and said, in a serious, questioning voice, "You're a super cool teacher?"  Apparently not, kid, thanks for putting me in my place.

The Joy That is Infertility Treatment

I have a few hours to waste today, so I thought I'd take advantage of this time and update everyone on our family expansion process.  Currently, I'm sitting in McDonald's in downtown Oklahoma City waiting for 11:30 to get here so I can go back to the fertility clinic to get inseminated (sorry if that's more info than you want (if it is, you might want to stop reading now)).  We got here at 8:00 this morning for Sam to do his part, he has since left to go back to work because he's really busy right now.  So here I am, killing 3 hours in OKC by myself (too bad none of the stores are open yet).

I'm nervous today.  I don't know why since I've had this procedure completed on my no less than six times (and to be honest, it hurts less than a pap smear), but I am.  I think I'm nervous because this is round 1 of 4.  The four final chances for us to have more biological children.  Also, Sam had his wisdom teeth removed Friday and I'm a little concerned about how his medicine and diet since then might influence his count. 

On the plus side, there are a few positives in completing fertility treatments in the summer as opposed to winter.  One is that I wear slip on shoes with no socks daily, this decreases the time spent undressing in preparation for the exam and redressing afterwards.  Another is that I have been wearing short sleeve shirts which helps in drawing blood.  These things are helpful because as part of the study I have driven to OKC five times in the last three weeks, during each visit they complete an exam and draw blood (most of these visits are at 7:30 am so I can make it to work without being too late). 

On the adoption front, unless something crazy happens, our file will be ready for the August meeting (each month Oklahoma DHS hosts a meeting during which they try to match children available for adoption with potential parents)! 

I know that God answers prayers in one of three ways - yes, no, or wait.  I pray we finally get a yes in response to our prayer to have a family (I thought we were getting a yes with Aubrey, but I'm not sure what it falls under now).

It's Official, I'm a Lab Rat

Wow, a lot has changed since the last time I wrote on here (which is why I haven't had time to blog lately)!  For starters, we signed our finished home study Tuesday night!!!!  During the final couple of weeks, our contractor was sending me e-mails almost every night, each with multiple questions that she needed me to answer quickly.  For a while, I spent my evenings just responding to her e-mails.  I'm soooo glad to have that finished.  I will turn in our life book this week (because I got busy and never finished it :) and then we are seriously just waiting for our kids.  Our estimated waiting time was 2 months to 2 years, I hope and pray it's closer to the 2 month mark.

Also, we decided to go ahead and participate in the research study at our fertility clinic.  I think the final deciding factor for us was that Sam turned 30 last month.  We realized that, although we always saw fertility treatments as something we could revisit in the future, we're only getting older and with that comes increased pregnancy problems.  The study is testing three different drugs commonly used with IUI treatments in young couples with unexplained infertility.  The good news is, since they are testing to see if they are stair-step drugs or if they are equivalent, there is no placebo group.  The "best" drug they are testing is an injectable.  We didn't get into the injectible group so I am taking pills (it's really odd to carry around a container of pills when you're not sure what's in it and the label just says it could be this or this). 

These pills are seriously huge!  Thankfully I only have to take two a day for five days each month.  (On a side note, judging by the fact that she's sitting (not something Great Danes like to do) and her facial expression, I'm pretty sure Bella thought I had a treat in my hand.)

We aren't getting paid to be in the study, but we are getting four months of free fertility treatments.  All I have to do is keep a daily log checking boxes about stuff I won't write on here, take the meds on the days I'm told to, and visit the clinic eight times each month for ultrasounds and bloodwork (did I mention that our clinic is a one hour drive from our house).  Lucky duck Sam only has to go once a month. 

There are two things I'm hoping to get out of this study.  First,  I hope that through the data that they collect in this project (and with 900 couples participating across the country that's a lot of data) they will be able to help other couples in our situation.  Second, I hope that since they will be testing so many things throughout the month, maybe they will notice a spike in some count some where that would help determine just what our infertility is caused from (although I'm not going to hold my breath for that one).

It's crazy to think that in four months we will either be pregnant again or finished with fertility treatments (unless we change our mind later and decide to do IVF).  Some of you might be reading this and wondering how it will affect our adoption process.  Well, let me tell you (and no, I don't want your opinion on this as it was not a rash decision (sorry to be so blunt, but it seems like everyone wants to tell us how to make our family instead of letting us follow what God has put in our hearts)).  Obviously, if we don't get pregnant in the study we will continue on with the adoption as planned.  If we get pregnant with one child, we will carry on with the adoption as planned.  If we get pregnant with twins (hey, there is always a chance with fertility meds), we will postpone the adoption for a short time (call me crazy, but I really don't want four kids ages four and under all of the sudden).

Please pray with us that our family will grow in the near future.  Have a safe, fun Fourth of July Weekend!