I feel it's important for me to share these feelings partly because it's my blog and that's what I do, partly because I know other angel mommas read my little blog and I want them to know I have these feelings too, and partly because I want those of you who have never been through this (and I pray you never do) to have a better understanding of where we're coming from.
As of today, our little Sarah is almost 37 weeks gestation. That's 32 long weeks of prayer, worry, joy, stress, anxiety, and thankfulness since we found out about her. This pregnancy has been anything but easy on us. It's not that the pregnancy itself has been difficult (of course I had
Any pregnancy following a stillbirth is considered high risk, even if what happened to your daughter was neither genetic nor preventable (sometimes I think it would be easier if it had been because then we would be able to look and see that Sarah doesn't have it). With a high risk pregnancy comes many, many doctor visits. I've been going to my OB every two weeks since we found out we were pregnant in addition to monthly visits with a high risk specialist in Oklahoma City (where we get to see Sarah in 4D every time!). In addition to that, starting at 28 weeks, I've been going in twice a week for non-stress tests.
During the non-stress tests, I lay in a quiet room hooked up to a machine that monitors Sarah's heartbeat and if I'm having any contractions. I also have a little button I have to push every time she moves. Sometimes, as I lay there listening to Sarah's heartbeat for 20 minutes, my mind wonders and I can't help but think about sweet Aubrey and the heartbeat we didn't find the day our world came crashing down. Those are the rough days.
Some days I think about this little girl who is supposed to join our family next week and think maybe I should start preparing for her. We have clothes for her, but they haven't been washed. She has a room, but we haven't even started decorating it (in fact our dogs are sleeping in there as I type this). We have an infant carrier and swing, but they are still in the attic. Every time I think I'm going to wash a load of clothes or start packing up the random stuff in what will be her room, I find a reason not to. I don't know if it's fear or what, but I always seem to find something different to do.
Another reality of this pregnancy is that sometimes I forget I'm carrying a different baby and call her Aubrey. I know she's not Aubrey and I never want her to feel like she is only here because Aubrey isn't or we are using her as a replacement. She is a gift from God just like Aubrey and Joseph and I want her to know that.
Which brings up a whole different topic. Pregnancy after adoption. I worry about how Sarah will effect Joseph not just now, but in the future. One of the most important things I want him to know is that we didn't adopt him because we couldn't get pregnant. We adopted him because God chose him to be our son. I honestly don't know what I would do without that little boy. He has helped me through this pregnancy in ways he will never know or understand. His smile, laugh, hugs, and kisses can brighten anyone's day. He is the perfect little boy for our family and I hope he always realizes that.
So, why did I write this post? Really I'm not sure. To be honest, I'm still not even sure if I will publish it or not. I guess I just wanted to let people know what it's really like to be in this situation. If you feel inclined, please pray for our family. Pray that we can focus on the joy in this pregnancy and delivery instead of being overcome with fear. Pray that my body reacts appropriately to the medicines they give me to induce labor and we have a quick, easy delivery that allows Sarah and I to both be living and healthy. Pray that Sam is comforted as he watches me go through the labor process. Pray that Joseph continues to be the awesome little boy he is and falls into the role of big brother easily. Above all, thank God for giving us the opportunity to be parents to another child.