Tuesday, September 17, 2013

This Pregnancy...

I know some people read my blog for my light hearted humor (at least I like to think I'm funny), but today isn't one of those posts.  So, this is my warning.  If you're just here for a laugh and a cute picture or two, leave now.  We'll be back to that later.

I feel it's important for me to share these feelings partly because it's my blog and that's what I do, partly because I know other angel mommas read my little blog and I want them to know I have these feelings too, and partly because I want those of you who have never been through this (and I pray you never do) to have a better understanding of where we're coming from. 

As of today, our little Sarah is almost 37 weeks gestation.  That's 32 long weeks of prayer, worry, joy, stress, anxiety, and thankfulness since we found out about her.  This pregnancy has been anything but easy on us.  It's not that the pregnancy itself has been difficult (of course I had morning all day sickness, crazy low blood sugar levels, and awesome varicose veins, but those are all common), it's that dealing emotionally with the pregnancy has been trying.  Every day, I wake up and the first thing I do is wait to feel her move.  If she doesn't move within a short period of time, I do things (change positions, get up and walk around, drink juice, etc.) to get her to move all while holding my breath and praying she's ok.  Throughout the day, I do the same thing if I haven't felt her move in what I feel is a timely manner.  Earlier in the pregnancy, I even stopped by my OB's office  a couple of times and the hospital on a weekend just to hear her heartbeat because she hadn't moved in such a long period of time.  When your first child dies of a cord accident, you are all too aware that stuff like that can happen at any point during the pregnancy so being further along really doesn't make you feel better or worry less. 

Any pregnancy following a stillbirth is considered high risk, even if what happened to your daughter was neither genetic nor preventable (sometimes I think it would be easier if it had been because then we would be able to look and see that Sarah doesn't have it).  With a high risk pregnancy comes many, many doctor visits.  I've been going to my OB every two weeks since we found out we were pregnant in addition to monthly visits with a high risk specialist in Oklahoma City (where we get to see Sarah in 4D every time!).  In addition to that, starting at 28 weeks, I've been going in twice a week for non-stress tests. 

During the non-stress tests, I lay in a quiet room hooked up to a machine that monitors Sarah's heartbeat and if I'm having any contractions.  I also have a little button I have to push every time she moves.  Sometimes, as I lay there listening to Sarah's heartbeat for 20 minutes, my mind wonders and I can't help but think about sweet Aubrey and the heartbeat we didn't find the day our world came crashing down.  Those are the rough days. 

Some days I think about this little girl who is supposed to join our family next week and think maybe I should start preparing for her.  We have clothes for her, but they haven't been washed.  She has a room, but we haven't even started decorating it (in fact our dogs are sleeping in there as I type this).  We have an infant carrier and swing, but they are still in the attic.  Every time I think I'm going to wash a load of clothes or start packing up the random stuff in what will be her room, I find a reason not to.  I don't know if it's fear or what, but I always seem to find something different to do. 

Another reality of this pregnancy is that sometimes I forget I'm carrying a different baby and call her Aubrey.  I know she's not Aubrey and I never want her to feel like she is only here because Aubrey isn't or we are using her as a replacement.  She is a gift from God just like Aubrey and Joseph and I want her to know that. 

Which brings up a whole different topic.  Pregnancy after adoption.  I worry about how Sarah will effect Joseph not just now, but in the future.  One of the most important things I want him to know is that we didn't adopt him because we couldn't get pregnant.  We adopted him because God chose him to be our son.  I honestly don't know what I would do without that little boy.  He has helped me through this pregnancy in ways he will never know or understand.  His smile, laugh, hugs, and kisses can brighten anyone's day.  He is the perfect little boy for our family and I hope he always realizes that. 

So, why did I write this post?  Really I'm not sure.  To be honest, I'm still not even sure if I will publish it or not.  I guess I just wanted to let people know what it's really like to be in this situation.  If you feel inclined, please pray for our family.  Pray that we can focus on the joy in this pregnancy and delivery instead of being overcome with fear.  Pray that my body reacts appropriately to the medicines they give me to induce labor and we have a quick, easy delivery that allows Sarah and I to both be living and healthy.  Pray that Sam is comforted as he watches me go through the labor process.  Pray that Joseph continues to be the awesome little boy he is and falls into the role of big brother easily.  Above all, thank God for giving us the opportunity to be parents to another child. 


  1. Courtney, please know that I pray all of those things for you and your family often and have since I heard the news that sweet Sarah was on her way. God chose you and Sam as parents for all three of your children because YOU are exactly who they needed. I know it's hard and I can't even begin to imagine walking the road you're walking. I appreciate you sharing your heart and being honest about how you feel. I think the fact that you think about all those things just shows what a great mom you are and how much you love your children.
    I can't wait to see pictures of your sweet little girl and her big brother! And she won't care if the clothes get washed and the room put together before or after she's here. :)

  2. Beautiful post. There are more prayers being said for you all than you could ever imagine. God is good. I can't wait to spend time with Joseph next week and meet sweet Sarah. We are ALL blessed by both of them. Love you.

  3. When Ruby was born Wayne and I kept calling her Mila, when I was pregnant with her I would compare it to Mila's pregnancy and the things that were different or the same. People do this regardless of whether they have lost a baby or not, you may call her Aubrey at times, you may call her Joseph at times - this is normal, although people who haven't lost a child don't get the shock value that we do. The next week will be tough - I got through it by doing as little as possible, removing as much stress as possible from my life, doing only the bare necessities to get through it - be kind to yourself, this is a significant emotional and physical strain. Also, for me, the anxiety didn't stop once Ruby was born - it may be different for you having experience with Joseph as a newborn. xx